Growing up, my family had great expectations for me. I was smart, so I was constantly told. I was talented, so my dad always said; you’ll be working for Disney one day! Words of encouragement! What a lucky kid, right? Isn’t that what everyone wants, people to believe in them? I was indeed the only one in my family to graduate high school. And although I didn’t apply myself to my full potential, I was accepted into the University of Missouri, although I never went.
I often wonder if there is just something wrong with me. I do have talent. I am smart. I do have so many ideas and thoughts. I am full of potential. Yet, here I am, struggling financially and stressed about how we’re going to pay our bills. And what about my spouse? She works so hard to be the financial support of our family. I just want her life to be better. I want us to be able to provide for our son, our family, without so much worry.
Is there a reason that I struggle so much? The thing is, I’m mostly happy! The constant “support” from my parents when I was growing up, stressed me out. I felt their entire identity revolved around me being successful. But, what if success isn’t meant for me? What if that’s not my purpose in life? What if something from a past life is making me have to learn humility in this life?
Im not sure. But I do know God will reveal His plan for my life, in His time. There isn’t anything I can do to hurry it up. I do what I can to help provide for our family. I sell items on EBay. I have an Etsy store, https://www.etsy.com/shop/2findpeace?ref=search_shop_redirect that I am continuing to work on. And I recently signed up with this company and launched my online store, https://www.countryscentscandles.com/store/mg and I am hoping to bring in income that way as well.
My family and I recently bought (mortgaged) a small fixer upper home on 20 acres. The place had been neglected for at least the last 15 years and needs a lot of work. We have a TERRIBLE mortgage, and pray that somehow we can find a mortgage company or bank with a HEART, to refinance for us, without closing fees. Anyway, it’s always been our dream to be farmers and we really want to raise our child in the life of homesteading. But, we are not spring chickens! We are not rich! We are not even in very good shape physically! And trust me, nothing is as easy as it seems on HGTV. The only thing we have going for us is our FAITH.
We trust that God put all these feelings, ideas and passion in our hearts for a reason. Those feelings and ideas that you dream about, that are always in your heart; that is your destiny! Or so, that’s what I believe, and it’s what has driven me in life. And that takes me back to my parents, and their desire for my success. Am I smart? Yes! Am I a talented artist? Yes! Actually, when I take time and draw daily, I’m very good. But, what has always been in my heart, what has always been my dream?
Simply, to be a mom! It’s all I thought about. And it took a LONG, CRAZY journey, but I am a mom. And it brings me more happiness and fulfillment than anything else ever has. So, in a world that pushes their kids so hard to achieve and media constantly pushing consumerism, “BIGGER is better”, etc.; what if I don’t want that? What if being “just a mom” is enough for me? What if that is my destiny? What if I just want a low key, simple existence?
Maybe the talents I have and the knowledge I have is for me to pass on to my child. Maybe its just for me to share with the world to help others, but not to benefit me? You know, I think that’s ok with me. It’s truly my life goal to just make sure our child has a great childhood. I just want him to be a kid! I don’t really feel the pressure for him to be the best, as the world defines it! I just want him to be the best version of himself. God put him on this earth to fulfill his individual destiny, it is just my blessing to be his mom. He is an amazing child, he has his entire life ahead of him; I’m not putting pressure on him, the world will do that in time. It’s my job to nurture him, not to fit him into some box that the world thinks he needs to fit into.
We will be homeschooling for that very reason. I don’t want him growing up thinking he needs to fit into a box like everyone else. He’s a very unique soul, I don’t want to take that away from him. And of course I want him to learn, learn to grow in life, not learn to take tests!
We often talk and plan of the livestock we want to raise to become farmers. And we’ve put a lot of thoughts into the breeds we will raise and I can easily envision raising our child learning to be a guardian of the livestock and a gentle/humane farmer. I know he will benefit greatly from this life experience. We also talk about having a small orchard and garden as well. We do have great ideas and plans. We also know we have much to learn and much to do to get our farm up and running.
But, there are days when I don’t want to do any of it. I think to myself, I just want a simple life. Do I want to be a caretaker of more livestock? Do I want to be on baby watch? Do I want to have to constantly pluck weeds from the garden? That all seems like the opposite of a simple life. But, the fact is it’s not about what I want anymore. God have me what I wanted. I am a mom, and that’s good enough for me. I don’t need to be remembered for anything other than being a mom.
But God did provide this yearning in the hearts of my spouse and I about owning land and being farmers. It is something we always talked about. Not anything we ever took time to plan or learn about; but something we always wanted. It’s not something that is logical at all. So, I always felt it had more to do with our future child, than with us. And that is when we have to be BRAVE! We have to have trust and faith in God and know we are raising our son the way he needs to be raised. That we are following the plan put before us to live the life we were destined to live.
Living a life of a homesteader has a great appeal to me. I have this unexplainable desire to pull away from modern society and learn the old life skills and crafts. I didn’t feel this way before. The idea of living on land before was always more about not having neighbors and just preserving land. But, over the last few years, it’s definitely shifted into a different reason to have land. And I do desire a simple, peaceful life. What I am having to learn though is what that means for my family versus someone else’s.
And I think for our family it means we just have to continue to nurture our child and make decisions based on his welfare. That we have to continue to be brave and face fears and take some risks. We have to learn and grow and step out of our comfort zone. And we have to take baby steps, because as long as we are moving, the tasks will get accomplished. Doing nothing is failure! So, we have to just move forward and continue to take steps to live a more peaceful and simple life. It doesn’t come cheap, it doesn’t come easy; but I believe it’s our destiny as a family. We don’t measure our success in life by what is in our bank account; we measure it by the amount of love we put into our soul account.
It is our wish as parents that our son will always follow his dreams and live a simple, joyful life; on his terms. We know God will watch over him and guide him to his destiny.