The Girl Who Would Be Called Dempsey

IMG_8770

This is a picture of a Miniature Donkey, that I was going to buy.  I only knew I was going to buy her for about a week, then everything changed. And somehow, this change has changed me. Logically, it doesn’t make sense that I feel as devastated as I do. There was a part of me that kind of thought it was a bit of a crazy purchase. But, then there is the other part of me that tries to have faith and stay optimistic. So, in good faith, I did believe we would be purchasing her.

The name Dempsey, it’s my Maternal Grandmothers middle name. She hated it! Thought it sounded too masculine. But, I think it suited my grandma; for as sweet as she was, she was also feisty too! My grandma lived to be 100.  My family is a complicated mess, but I do have many good memories around my grandma.

Anyway, this beautiful little donkey belongs to a precious friend of mine. Someone who I don’t think realizes how amazing she is. I drive her crazy and somedays I fear she’ll decide I’m too much of a mess and won’t be my friend anymore. I love her and her family, I love her kids like they are family. I refer to her as an Aunt to my son. And because her friendship is so precious, I informed her as soon as I knew that we wouldn’t be able to make the purchase. I thought for sure she’d be upset, but she handled it gracefully.

But, here I sit…. STUCK! And I can’t explain it. How on earth did I develop such an emotional attachment to a picture of a baby donkey?? Why is it having such a profound affect on me? I can’t explain it and I need to move past it. The only thing that comes to mind is what it represents. It represented hope, I guess. I guess the hope that one day my family will be able to have something like that. That we can buy our son a gift of that magnitude, without worry. I think that’s what it represented to me.

My family always seems to struggle financially. We want to be able to fix our home, raise a garden and some livestock and make our son proud. We want to leave a legacy for him. I think that’s why all this bothers me so much. It’s again just a reminder of our struggles. And again, I feel like a failure. I know going after your dreams is noble and a worthy cause. And I know raising our son in the country was and is the right decision. But I just wish God would provide some guidance. I just don’t know if I can continue this way.

So that’s it. I’m at a crossroads and I really don’t have the answers or solutions. So, I just have to pray. And just love my family and pray some more. I have to stay hopeful and faithful. And ride the wave until I can regain control